Agrocos Lifestyle magazine.

You Might Be a Zombie...

I’ve been doing some thinking lately and discovered a few angerufen things such as:

  1. If you wake up only to find yourself buried in a coffin 6 feet under, you might be a zombie.

  2. If you notice you are missing a limb or two but it does not seem to have any affect on your (albeit stunted) mobility, you might be a zombie.

  3. If at the office cookout you find you have an insatiable craving for your co-workers brains while they all are eating burgers and dogs, you might be a zombie.

  4. If you notice a gawd awful odor only to discover it is coming from your own rotting flesh, you might be a zombie.

  5. If your skin takes on an ashen hue and you find the dark circles under your eyes worsening daily, you might be a zombie.

  6. If you suddenly have difficulty pronouncing words and everything you say sounds like a grunt or groan, you might be a zombie.

  7. If someone who used to want to be with you all the time now runs in terror when they see you, you might be a zombie.

  8. If while daydreaming you have nightmares about shotguns and machetes, you might be a zombie.

  9. If you find yourself gnawing on the very person you swore you would never hurt, you might be a zombie.

  10. If you find you have been shot in the chest, maimed, run over with a car, hit in the gut with a baseball bat, pushed out of a 2nd floor window, and still are “alive,” you might be a zombie.

Sadly many of these symptoms are experienced by myself daily at the “jobsite”…… so either my job is killing me or I’ve “crossed over” and not realized it……

Any thoughts??

Rafal Zielinski’s 1987 Valet Girls

Bad acting, really bad hair, a bevy of gratitous boob shots, meat-heads in speedos kdo volal, punk music only an 80’s fan would appreciate, and a cameo of Ron Jeremy - what does all this add up to? A really cheesy 80’s movie entitled Valet Girls.

Typical of 80’s cheese, there isn’t much of a plot - well, really there are about 3 plots that I was able to decipher: one is of Carnation (Mary Kohnert) - a really bad acting southern girl who wants to “share her acting talent” with the world. Too bad she can’t add 2+2 and come up with a single brain cell.

The other is of Lucy (Meri D. Marshall) - a virtually blind punk chick who wants to get a record deal. Luckily for her, she has Sammy (;Tony Cox) watching out for her best interests.

And finally, there is the uber rich Dirk Zebra (;Jack DeLeon) - this movies version of Hugh Hefner, who tries to screw everything in a skirt. Needless to say, this does not bode favorably with his wife.

Sum it all up and you have “Valet Girls” - 2 or so hours of scantily clad chicks parking cars at the posh home of Mr. Zebra, all in the hopes that this gig will help them meet the right people to help them make it big in Hollywood. The only problem is that all these “right” people want is a piece of their asses lined with a line of coke. Throw in some disgruntled shunned male valets, a rather bitter Mrs. Zebra, and a little female plots of revenge, and you actually might find yourself enjoying this prime example of B beauty.

Surprisingly the main character Lucy actually has some really cute songs that she belts out, typical of the 80’s hair/punk sound. Granted she never really amounted to much beyond this movie, but she entertained me nonetheless. Plus seeing the familiar list of “where do I know him/her from?” no name cast mates makes this movie primo for an interesting - albeit lame - game of movie trivia.

Anyone wanna play?

Tanya Rosenberg’s Blood Games

Perhaps you have heard of this movie by its Australian title kto volal, Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell, or perhaps you know it best by the no name actors, the incredibly bad acting, and the lame ass dialogue. Or perhaps none of those features ring familiar in your mind because you were too busy appreciating this sexploitation gem for its mass quantities of boobs and feminine wiles.

I myself loved the blatant B quality of 1970’s drive-ins being recreated in 1990 by an equally no-named, one time director Tanya Rosenberg.

Blood Games centers around a baseball team of hot women in skimpy shorts and perky boobs. One of the teammates father is their coach and he has arranged a game against a bunch of redneck hillbillies interested only in beer and ass. After they lose rather badly to the girls and refuse to pay up the winnings the father decides to forcibly take their earnings from the hillbillies manager. While he is off taking care of their “finances,” a couple of the hillbillies decide to retaliate their game loss with a little rape action of the girls. Eventually all parties come together with daddy getting killed and the girls running for their lives while the hillbillies attempt to hunt them down in the woods with guns and johnsons blazing.

True to form, Blood Games is a prime example of what a B sexploitation movie should be: predictable in storyline, awful in acting and dialogue, promoting no name actors and actresses that you have never seen before and will almost assuredly never see again, mixing in gratuitous and ample boob shots, a rather vulgar rape scene, and lots of blood shed.

Is Blood Games a movie worth watching? Probably not. Is it a movie you would probably regret watching if you did watch it? Yeh. Will it make you dumber for having watched it? Nah - most people like me who watch these flicks are probably lacking a little in the brain cell department anyway.

Only you can decide what you have to lose if you choose to to watch it. Keep some popcorn nearby though in case you find you might actually enjoy it. I wouldn’t hold my breath though.

For the record, I’d give this flick a rating of 2 out of 5 silicone boobs, and even then that is probably one too many.

ZOMBIE MYTH BUSTERS & WEAPONS THAT KILL

This is the 2nd installment in my series of Zombie Survival tactics as learned in Max Brook’s book “The Zombie Survival Guide.”

This 2nd installment focuses on zombie myths and weapon selection. Much of what we see on TV and in movies is grossly (no pun intended) misrepresented. Part of our survival is dependent on having the facts, and not the fallacies. It is my intention to give you the facts on weapon selection.

Myth Busters

Often movies portray zombies as having superhuman strength; that is simply not the case. A zombie’s only strength is that which they possessed in real life as a human, no more and no less. The difference is their tenacity as they do not feel pain or remorse, rather they feel intense desire to feed - yes, on YOU!

Another myth is that zombies cannot discern between a human and another zombie if the human is mimicking the zombie’s same behaviors. Believe it if you want, but expect to be eaten alive as studies have shown that while zombies are dumber than a box of rocks, they CAN tell the difference between the dead and undead. The reasoning lends itself to their heightened sense of smell, which seems to be enhanced as their other senses diminish.

One thing to find comfort in is that a zombie will eventually “rot to death” in the event it is not killed by you or another competent human. Unfortunately the time span can take up to 5 years so stay well armed and alert.

Weapons That Kill Zombies

In order to be well armed, it’s important to know your weapon options and the level of protection they can provide. Too many weapons are never enough in the war against zombies but not knowing how to use your selected weapons would be bad news indeed! Train regularly and maintain your weapons! Rust or nasty misfires caused by poor planning can ruin anyone’s day - that is anyone’s day except a zombie’s!

While close combat with a zombie is not high on anyone’s list of fun things to do, it must be understand that it cannot always be avoided. Yes as a human you can move much quicker than a zombie, but a multiple zombie attack might place you in closer proximity than you would like. For this reason it is important to know a form of karate that would help you to deflect your attacker, as well as have a blunt type weapon ideal for close range. While baseball bats, hammers, rolling pins, and batons, all come to mind as viable choices, their ability to kill the brain of a zombie is not likely and thereby not necessarily a well planned choice.

Your best bet is a crowbar. Both lightweight and durable under heavy and repeated contact, this choice can also be used to pry open doors, as well as provide various other survival needs. Such as piercing the skull of a zombie and impaling it’s brain. Not so easy to do with a bat, don’t you think? I would also not recommend swords or knives unless you have trained extensively in these types of combat, as the close proximity these weapons call for could result in your becoming infected and ultimately converted to zombie-ism.

Power Tools & Their Alternatives

While power tools initially offer an excellent defense, it should be noted that their dependability is limited to their fuel supply, be it either plug in or rechargeable. As well, their excess weight may cause you to tire quickly, which is not advisable due to zombies having no need for sleep or rest, and you as the human needing both.

Slingshots; bows and arrows; cross-bows; throwing knives - all have advantages when sound can bring on an unwanted onslaught of nearby zombies; but unless you are an excellent marksman do not take comfort in having these as your only protection. Aim is key and if your aim is just slightly off, it could be the defining factor in your life or “un”death. I myself would want a little more “life security.”

Shotguns & Machine Guns

While semi automatic rifles and sub machine guns sound really tough, their range is not conducive to killing a zombie. They are mostly effective in delaying the inevitable attack. On humans these weapons are ideal, as precision is not necessitated for the kill. Since zombies do not give up as easily, however, precision in killing the brain is critical. “Scatter guns” and guns that utilize similar ammo (such as buck shot) will not guarantee the brain has been eliminated, and probably are not the best choice of protection either. As well, there are ongoing studies that support contact with infected body parts may result in your “turning.” If this is indeed true, then getting bitten is not our only concern. Coming into contact with flying severed body parts caused from the blast of one of the above weapons, could pose a life ending situation. Definitely not an ending I would like.

Pistols

In today’s society pistols are without doubt the flavor of choice for all advocates of weaponry. Any die hard Clint fan has a .44; most all cops have Glocks; most chicks have revolvers (not this one - I have a glock) as they seem less intimidating. But what it all boils down to is accuracy and precision in your shot. While pistols are easily carried in bulk along with their ammo, unless you are an excellent marksman I would not recommend using this as your primary source of protection. Hitting a zombie in the chest or shoulder will not stop it. You must hit it in the brain and that requires precision. Practice Practice Practice! Go to your local shooting range regularly. Make your gun an extension of yourself. This could be your only saving grace.

.22 Caliber Rimfire Weapons

Ahhh - the ever dependable rifle. What respectful, zombie hating home would be without one??? Not mine I can assure you! This weapon is light weight, making it easier to tote on long journeys. As well, ammo for this type of weapon is plentiful throughout the country so it is not likely you will run out. While this weapon may unfortunately make it so you have to be somewhat closer to “the enemy” in order to penetrate the skull (since it is a small caliber bullet) the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. Stay strong and hold your ground!

Just remember the most important rule in weapon selection as I cannot stress it enough = Practice Practice Practice!!!

What would suck even more than getting undead by a zombie is getting undead by a zombie that uses YOUR weapon on YOU!